Ask Boobs Radley: How Do I Break Up With Someone?

Everyone on Twitter considers themselves an expert of one type or another. We figured a woman who grew up with the nickname @BoobsRadley must have plenty of experience discussing issues of love and sex. (Plus, the Huffington Post called her one of the funniest women on Twitter.) Read on to find out how to send your questions to her.)

Q: My girlfriend doesn’t like L’il B, she doesn’t cook well and my father doesn’t like her. How do I break up with her in a way that leaves as minimal of an impression as possible? Once we cut each other loose, I don’t want her to grumble about me to the world at large.

You could try: “I’m sorry, it’s not you. I just need time to focus on L’il B, eating and my father.” She will totally understand. Alright, a little more seriously: Unless earth-moving sex is the glue that’s keeping this dad-unapproved relationship together, it sounds like cutting each other loose is not going to be a huge blow to her. It’s considerate that you want to end things in such a way that she doesn’t say bad things about you (I guess?). So, just follow standard Good Breakup Procedure: be gentle, be nice and make it about your shortcomings and not hers.

Q: You’re pretty hard on guys who use ;) and “lol.” We’re not all poets, lady. Don’t you get that most of us are probably just harmless and insecure?

I’m not above the occasional “ha” in gchat when I’ve legitimately laughed at something, and I used to use “<3″ semi-ironically until my friend pointed out that it sort of looked like a sideways nutsack. Just remember that “grown man texting like a 12-year-old girl” is the basis for many episodes of  “Dateline.” Think of being judged on your text/email style as the same thing as being judged by your handshake. If I were interviewing you for a job, and when I shook your hand and you took out a tube of glitter gloss and started slowly applying it to your mouth while singing “Goodbye Horses,” I’d be…well, OK, sort of intrigued, I guess. I like your moxie, serial murderer. You’re hired.

Q: Are fat guys allowed to hit on fit girls?

I assume by “fit” you’re euphemizing for “skinny,” unless you’re The Streets or possibly another British rapper. I’d say when hitting on anybody, your prime directive is to be respectful and non-creepy, whether a person is fat, thin, ectomorphic, Laotian, pruney from a long bath, or suffering from hypertrichosis lanuginosa (also known as “Wolf-Man disease“). I guess you can’t help what you’re into, but I must say–I think there’s something a little hypocritical about fat dudes who only hit on thin chicks. Like, what if I exclusively went out with small-breasted men? Wouldn’t be right.

Q: I am not into sports. At all. I go for nerdy girls so this is not usually a problem, but I’m dating a girl whose family is made up of huge college football fans, and I think she’s embarrassed or irritated that I don’t know anything about it. I don’t think I should have to, though. Thoughts?

Remember when C. Thomas Howell pretended to be black in the ’80s comedy “Soul Man” to get into college and woo Rae Dawn Chong? If you’re not old enough to remember that, let me paint you a picture: It was pretty racist and we were all very uncomfortable. My point is that you shouldn’t try to be something you’re not, particularly if it literally involves a wig and body paint (again, this is an actual movie that got made). But, if you’re simply learning about something your girlfriend likes, bite the bullet and read the Wikipedia page on football. I’d say it’s not a bad idea to have a working knowledge of sports, just like it’s not bad to have read “Animal Farm” or know how to change a tire or recite the Green Lantern oath. You may get weirdly into it, who knows? If not, tailgates always have lots of beer and those mini wieners in BBQ sauce. See? Silver wiener lining.

Q: Seriously. If a girl says she “just doesn’t want anything right now,” does she really want to be single or is she simply not sexually attracted to me?

You need to ask yourself a question. Are you a clerk at Yankee Candle? Because if a girl is in a Yankee Candle store and says she doesn’t want anything: LIAR. Otherwise, I’m sorry to say, she’s probably just not interested. While we all go through phases of not dying to be in a relationship (except for that one friend–you know who I’m talking about), when somebody comes along we want to sleep with or date or whatever, we’ll sleep with and/or date them. But in all seriousness? If you do work at Yankee Candle, hook it up. My apartment isn’t going to make itself smell like country lavender.

Do you have a relationship question for Boobs Radley? Tweet it @MTVClutch or @BoobsRadley or send her an email.

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