There's no play more celebrated in baseball than the home run. The triumphant blasts of power and masculinity send stadiums into frenzies and signal the ultimate individual accomplishment on the diamond. Or, from the pitcher's perspective, the ultimate individual failure. Every time a batter begins his home run trot, there's a pitcher 60 feet away ready to punch someone in the face, or start crying, or slam his glove into the ground. Where else does someone stand on a dirt stage as 50,000 folks look at him like a loser?
Today, we're giving the home run-allowing pitcher a little love. Baseball Prospectus devotes an entire column to the time taken on home run trots, so here's our response to that: a scientific chronicling of the many ways pitchers react to giving up home runs.
They Develop A Deep, Profound Depression
They Wipe The Sweat From Their Brows
They Smell The Inside Of Their Jersey
They Take A Dump On The Mound
They Look To The Heavens For Guidance Or A Rainout
They Call Their Glove An A**hole And Slam It To The Ground
They Scrunch Their Face To Hold Back A Swear
They Talk To The Ball About Its Betrayal
They Revert Back To Being An 8-Year-Old Who Really Has To Pee