Everyone on Twitter considers themselves an expert of one type or another. We figured a woman who grew up with the nickname @BoobsRadley must be have plenty of experience discussing issues of love and sex. (Plus the Huffington Post called her one of the funniest women on Twitter.) Read on to find out how to send your questions to her.
Q: What is the healthiest way to get over a girl that I irresponsibly started liking despite the fact that she has a boyfriend?
A: First, check your hair for scrunchies, your teeth for Tropical Starburst and under your shirt for your budding breasts. Are you a 12-year-old girl? No? OK. Step two: Relax. Seriously, pal, there’s not much you can do but wait for her to break up with him. If she’s not into her boyfriend AND she’s into you, congrats! You guys will be very happy together. Eventually. However, if she, you know, loves her boyfriend a lot? Sorry, but it’s time to go politely pine for her in dignified repose. Oh, but if she marries him, definitely do that thing where you show up at the church and fling open the doors right when she’s about to go “I do,” because, even if we’re not into you, we loooooove that.
Q: I often find myself attracted to women who are way out of my league. Can’t help it. But I always see guys with women who are hotter than they are, so how are they getting them? (Please don’t say money.)
A: They’re sweet at the drums? Get a skill, friend. Like being funny or charming. Or, if you can’t acquire that (some of us are born with it), learn a sweet trade, like drumming or carpentry or skateboarding or Navy SEAL-age. All this can get you way further than looks or, yes, money. (P.S. Enough about women and money. Only awful girls care about money.)
Q: You all keep saying that it’s a myth that women only like bad guys, but I find when I act like a little bit of a jerk on purpose, it goes over swimmingly. However, as a stealth Nice Guy, is this wrong?
A: No, it’s not wrong. I can’t believe I’m about to quote Carmen Electra here (I guess me and Prince both see something in her), but people who say they don’t play games are just the people who are really good at playing games. I don’t think she meant it in a sociopath, Anton Chigurh kind of way, but the point is that everybody does a little wool-pulling on the dating front. Otherwise, we’d all show up on first dates being like, “I need love so hard, put a baby in me.” Also: We don’t “love” jerks, we just don’t like overly accessible needy-knees who need love so hard and want babies put in them.
Q: I just got out of a relationship where I had sex with the same woman for seven years. I’m sort of terrified to sleep with anybody else. Any tips?
A: I’d say all women have pretty much the same parts–except remember that “tree man,” who had that weird disease where he sprouted weird cartilaginous growths that looked like tree branches? I bet there’s a lady tree out there. She probably has parts that I don’t. Tree parts. But unless you’re having sex with her, don’t worry. You should be excited now! It’s like when you’ve had an iPad for so long that you can justify getting an iPad 2! Are you scared of its newness? No! You’re like, “Sweet, more battery life, now I can read The Daily for 10 hours!” Sex with strangers: It’s just like you remember it! Go revel in uncharted vagina!
Q: I hit on a lady friend and she told me that she doesn’t want to ruin the friendship, and now guess what, I’m pretty sure it’s been ruined anyway. Not to ask you boring age-old questions, but I’m interested on your take on the old “Can men and women really just be friends?”
A: First of all, sorry that your lady friend does not want to have sex with you. (Real talk: We will ruin the HAYULL out of some friendship if we want to sit on you while naked.) Second of all, I don’t know! Honestly. Can they just be friends if they’re not attracted to each other? Absolutely. I have lots of guy friends I wouldn’t have sex with if you promised me a bucket of cruelty-free diamonds and immediate, palate-cleanse sex with Spider-Man. And I’m sure I have guy friends who would only sleep with me if I were really sad and asked nicely (my guy friends are all very polite and I’m really good at fake crying). But if one of them is attracted to the other, I think it’s doomed to fail. I have been on both sides of the unrequited equation and it usually ends up in either a disastrous hookup or David avoiding me because I got drunk at brunch and told him his girlfriend was so stupid she thought Borges was a kind of Jewish soup.