In his new memoir “American Outlaw,” Jesse James reveals how he finally broke the news of his many, many infidelities to his then wife, beautiful Oscar winner Sandra Bullock. In a somewhat noble move, the reality TV star and West Coast Choppers entrepreneur fessed up to his tomcat ways right to Sandy’s face, without making any excuses (or so he claims).
Not that we’re endorsing James’ creepin’, but you’ve got to give it to the guy: Breaking that kind of news in person takes a pair. We’d rather sit in an enclosed sauna as Courtney Love urinates on the hot coals (you know she’d do it) than have to make a mea culpa like that.
So, for all you sauna-loving folk who prefer a more cowardly yet creative way out of a relationship, here are a few ideas.
1. Barbershop Quartet
Everyone loves a song written about them, so why not send a fleet of striped-shirted crooners to your soon-to-be-less significant other’s door, with a special harmonized message just for her. If you lack the lyrical acumen of Eminem, these songs can provide some inspiration:
Michael Bolton, “I Said I Loved You, But I Lied”
Boyz II Men, “End of the Road”
Air Supply, “All Out Of Love”
Frankie/Eamon, “I Don’t Want You Back”
Everly Brothers, “Bye Bye Love”
Scandal, “Goodbye to You”
All the better if you can get a hot model to pose on it…
A sure way to keep anyone happy no matter what news is being delivered: Hire an “exotic dancer” for the deed. For recommendations, simply visit your local phone booth.
4. A Spot of Gardening (AKA Scorched Earth)
In movies, burning a love message into the lawn always makes the right impression…so why not try a message of unlove. For a longer-lasting impact, try salting the earth first to prevent the grass from ever returning. (This is a horrible, horrible idea, please don’t actually attempt it.)
5. Old Favorite
Getting THEM to DUMP you! Nothing can ever go wrong with this classic strategy. If however, you are Mary Poppins and practically perfect in every way, here are some pointers:
Get them to pay for everything.
Flirt with other people.
Be secretive with your mobile.
Quit personal hygiene.
Spend a LOT of time with your mom and, when not with her, talk about her even more.
Join a cult/sect: perhaps Scientology.
6. Fake Your Own Death
This will not only break up the relationship, but also ensures that your ex will never try to contact you ever again! Just be warned: This method is only effective for long-distance relationships.
7. Text Message, Twitter, F-Book
It’s what our gadgets are for: distancing ourselves from human contact. Besides, isn’t that how you hooked up in the first place? Surely, as evidenced by celebs all over the land, there can be nothing more effective than a brief 140-character message. Feel free to cut and paste these to Twitter when needed.
@SoonToBeEx: I don’t swing the other way, but I’ll learn
@Dumped: Let’s just be friends
@Heartbroken: Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU
@DistantMemory: My Doc’s phone number is 555-7835. U guys should talk