Ask Boobs Radley: How Do I Sext? Is Cheating Really THAT Bad?

Everyone on Twitter considers themselves an expert of one type or another. We figured a woman who grew up with the nickname @BoobsRadley must be have plenty of experience discussing issues of love and sex. (Plus the Huffington Post called her one of the funniest women on Twitter.) Read on to find out how to send your questions to her.

Q: I’m not even 30, but I feel like I’m too old for “sexting.” I dread the day I am called upon to, which I apparently will be if I continue to date women of child-bearing age. How the hell do you do it in a not-awkward or embarrassing way?

A: Spell check. Don’t use “u” instead of “you.” No emoticons. Not just in sexting. EVER. You grown-ass human being, you. Remember some of the best sexters are over 30 (like most of the guys who have sexted me). It is awkward. SO IS SEX. But if you can put your hand on a girl’s boob, you can use it to send her a character-limited message about your desire to do so.  And remember: While the subjunctive tense is sexy, present tense is LARPing.

Q: What do you consider the seven wonders of the male body? That is, what turns women on about a guy?

A: Ignoring the inherent, Mayer-esque creepiness of this question, I’m going to go ahead and say that there aren’t that many “wonders” you fellas have that we don’t. In fact, I think I can only count the junk, the Adam’s apple and maybe the beard (although some of us can grow a pretty decent hulihee). Honestly, I find most straight women are fascinated by your danglers. So I’m going to have to say, “The seven wonders of the male body are the balls, times an enthusiastic 3.5.”

Q: My otherwise great fiancée has randomly developed an obsession with modeling. She’s cute, but I think she’s being a little unrealistic about her prospects (and if I have to hear her talk about head shots any more, I will put a shot in my own head). How do I politely crush her dreams and still appear supportive?

A: Well, you could let this resolve itself. Wait till her hopes are crushed naturally à la “Showgirls,” under the cloven hooves of the demon showbiz and the disconcerting glare of Terry Richardson. If she’s not going to cut it as a model, she’ll find out quickly and hopefully painlessly without hearing some agent say her badonk looks like a crocheted hat full of grapes. If she does make it, congratulations! You’re dating a model! Although you’ll probably still have to hear about head shots.

Q: I’ve been broken up with multiple times recently for being “too jealous.” I don’t threaten women or punch walls or anything, I just tell a girl when I’m insecure or, yes, when I’m afraid I’m going to be cheated on. How can I just not feel that anymore?

A: First, rent “Fear” with Mark Wahlberg to see if you’re agreeing with his character all the time. If not, remember that only robots and arch French dowagers never feel jealous. Clearly you’re doing something that’s repulsing these girls, so pinpoint how you’re being jealous (thug/Busey/whiner/teenager, etc.) and cut it the hell out. There’s a reason why they call it the green-eyed monster. (I think it’s because it’s what Hulk calls his junk. I could be wrong.)

Q: I recently started sleeping with a girl I’ve wanted forever, but the problem is, she’s in a relationship. I feel kind of guilty and she says she does too, but she’s unwilling to either break up with him or break things off with me. How do I proceed?

A: First, visualize being killed by this guy with a sword, because that’s always a possibility with these Other Man scenarios (at least it is where I grew up, in feudal Japan). Real talk: Sometimes these situations are very fulfilling, as a sex thing. If, that is, you’re OK with her sleeping with/deceiving her boyfriend, and you’re OK with doing something most people think is very, very wrong (and again, cool with being killed with a sword). If you are, I can’t stop you, so vaya con Satan. But, remember, she’s not your girlfriend, and if she is some day, enjoy constantly worrying that she’s creeping on you.

Q: A girl recently told me she thought guys who did yoga were skeezy. For real?

A: Look, I’m a feminist, and so I’m contractually obligated to say “no, not for real.” But here’s a short list of things that some terrible, unliberated pre-”Ally-McBeal“-ite women find creepy in heterosexual dudes: yoga, multiple cats, necklaces, bracelets, earrings, rings, anklets, certain hats, Facebook updates about how much they’re enjoying a mug of tea, excessive appreciation of former Lilith Fair headliners, crafting, concealer, flavored vodka. You may now cut up my NARAL card.

Do you have a relationship question for Boobs Radley? Tweet it @MTVClutch or @BoobsRadley.