The Top 44 Signs You’re Not Cut Out To Be A Superhero

Being a superhero may look easy in the movies, but it takes years of training, a heavy marketing campaign and a very broken-in pair of skintight spandex (if you have to ask how one properly breaks in a pair of body-fitting spandex, you stand no chance of ever being a superhero).

If we were going to make a list of all the things you need to be a superhero, it would be too long to fit on the internet. So we went the opposite direction. Here are the top 44 signs that you’ve got no chance at becoming a superhero.

1. Your war cry is “Mommy!”
2. Your secret weakness is a swift kick to the testicles.
3. You’ve been cast as the lead in the new “Green Hornet” remake.
4. Your superpower is your inate ability to smell bacon being cooked from 200 yards away.
5. Your catchphrase is “Don’t taze me, bro!”
6. You secretly long to have superpowers just like Aquaman.
7. Alec Baldwin is the frontrunner to play your superhero character in the big screen remake.
8. You bought your superhero costume from Tents ‘R’ Us.
9. You were inspired to create a costume based on the bold sassiness and spiritual independence of Sailor Moon’s outfit, and you also have a penis.
10. You have made a solemn vow to steal from the rich and give to the poor and then report the poor to the police after planting the stolen goods on them.
11. You still wonder why people laugh when you introduce yourself as “Captain Cougar.”
12. Your hand-to-hand combat training consisted of days-long sessions of playing as Batman in “Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe.”
13. You keep telling yourself, “Pain don’t hurt.”
14. Your list of arch nemeses consists entirely of ex-girlfriends and Facebook friends who refused to poke you back.
15. You were struck by a radioactive bolt of lightning…and then you died.
16. You plan on interrogating henchmen with your “spatula of truth.”
17. You are suing Trojan condoms for unauthorized use of your likeness for its “Trojan Man” superhero persona.
18. You’re the head of BP.
19. You shoot first and ask questions later, but the questions usually consist of “Did I leave the iron on?” or “What kind of wine would go best with the trout almondine I’ll be serving this weekend?”
20. The only defeat you suffered was at the hands of a tight-fitting IHOP booth.
21. At the nearest sign of distress, you dash into a nearby phone booth, take off all of your clothes and then continue on your merry way.
22. You can run as fast as “The Flash” but only after you’ve done three bong hits and an ice cream truck with a V-8 engine is trying to get away from you.
23. You may be able to overcome kryptonite, but you fall to pieces at cute pictures of puppies.
24. It might be the monster of the briny deep, but no one’s going to cower in fear at “Squidman” and his sidekick “Boy Bucket of Chum.”
25. You were kicked out of the Justice League for “juicing.”
26. Too many of the principal cast members were injured during rehearsal (Whoops, sorry folks, that’s “Signs You’re Not Cut Out to Be a Superhero Musical.”)
27. You once got your ass kicked by your secret identity.
28. Your “Fortress of Solitude” is actually just a Waffle House in Paducah, Kentucky.
29. You claim you gained your superpowers from a dose of heroin.
30. Your secret weapon is your ability to throw hot, piercing pellets of highly concentrated lead from your hands, which you’re able to do with your “magic gun.”
31. Your skintight uniform still has the words “Sea World” written on it.
32. You gained your powers from an overdose of radiation that gave you the ability to vomit at will and lose all of your hair.
33. You only “hulk out” when your TiVo fails to record a rerun of “Gilmore Girls.”
34. You work for the IRS.
35. You’re not kidding anyone by claiming to be “Face Herpes Man.”
36. Once you learned you could turn yourself invisible, you vow to protect the forces of evil from infiltrating the dressing rooms at Victoria’s Secret.
37. Your uniform has bigger stretch marks than you do.
38. The nunchakus you use to fight crime are actually the ones that came with your Nintendo Wii.
39. You wear the same outfit to fight crime as Wonder Woman and you’re a dude.
40. You aren’t allowed to wear spandex in public by law.
41. The casting director passed on letting Seth Rogen play you in the big screen remake of your adventures in order to attract Jonah Hill.
42. In the heat of battle, you dropped your gun because your hands were still slippery with cheese fry grease.
43. You once tried to teach a litterbug a lesson by shoving him face first into a woodchipper.
44. In a pinch, you use your cunning resourcefulness to turn an ordinary phone book not into a blunt weapon, but into a booster seat for your crimemobile.

Danny Gallagher is a freelance writer, reporter, humorist and Spandex taste tester. He can be found on the web at www.dannygallagher.net and on Twitter at www.twitter.com/thisisdannyg.