The world of cereal box characters is largely populated by wimpy, goofy turds who wouldn’t intimidate a raisin. But some breakfast buddies (that’s what we call them) are complete badasses. Like the handkerchief-sporting, talking animal, Tony the Tiger. It’s not easy to maintain a tough guy image while selling cereal to children, but Tony pulls it off admirably.
Not all cereal characters and spokespeople are savory role models, though, like the cyborg rodent for Clusters and a cookie-obsessed wolf. Yet these insane creatures with super powers and odd personas slip into the cupboard and onto breakfast tables every morning (and at lunch and dinner for college students and bachelors). For good or bad, many of the cereal characters are total badasses, based on physical and mental capabilities, appearance and general awesomeness. Check them out.
Incredibly, this is real. Robo-Squirrel was a deranged cyborg squirrel, which, according to Wikipedia, “does serious damage” to steal Honey Nut Clusters cereal. Because it wasn’t enough that hordes of squirrels parachuted from military planes to capture Clusters, there had to be a futuristic, weapon-toting half-robot ready to destroy humans for its cereal fix.
3. Mr. T
Mr. T, the quintessential ’80s dude, is about as tough as they come. Even when he’s giving away stickers on a cereal box, he remains a badass. That’s not easy to do. I pity the fool who questions Clubber Lang and Bad Attitude Baracus.
4. Cap’n Crunch
Cap’n Crunch is like Jack Sparrow–a crazy looking yet nonthreatening sea traveler. But the Cap’n, full name Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch, is a cold-blooded seafarer with some serious old man muscles. Anyone who can withstand almost 50 years worth of sandpaper pallet and still demand more delicious sweetened corn is a badass in my book.
5. Big Otis
When “big” prefaces a person’s name, you can usually be sure that he’s large and capable of punishing your face. Big Otis here is a battle-ready Scottish Highlander with fists about the size of Coco’s ass, which, if you didn’t know, is absolutely gigantic. Plus the dude sits around eating heart-healthy oats all day, so he’s in fine shape to brawl if you choose to buy another cereal.
6. Fred Flintstone
Sure, he seems friendly enough and he’s a bit dopey sometimes, but if you really pissed off the prehistoric fella he would probably inflict some serious pain on you. Remember, this is a guy who travels around on a wood and cement vehicle powered by his feet! Not surprisingly, he’s able to military press a humongous bowl of Fruity Pebbles with Barney on top. Don’t sleep on Fred’s power.
7. Hulk Hogan
Hulk used to peddle anything for the right price, and cereal was no exception. When he wasn’t looking ferocious on cereal boxes, the Real American was laying the Atomic Drop all over poor suckers with ’80s mullets.
8. Chip The Wolf
He might seem harmless, perched above a giant bowl of Cookie Crisp (enlarged to show texture of course), but this fanged beast is a trained cereal-hunting monster. Now you might say, “I’ve never met a ‘Chip’ who’s tough,” and I might agree. But this maniac was originally named “Howler” and he steals cereal from kids just like his ancestors. In other words, he’s a dangerous dude.
9. Golden Bear
Do you know any grizzly bears that chill out in white T-shirts? Yeah, me neither. But this nut job from Spain looks like a more violent version of the Big Bad Wolf and possibly the leader of a biker gang. For all we know, he has a person tied up off camera, pouring milk in this delicious bowl of his Golden Grahams.