Obviously, Four Loko, an obnoxious combination of alcohol, caffeine and Keith Richards’ blood, will go down as the most notorious beverage of 2010. But the enemy of the state, or “blackout in a can,” depending on your view, is just one of a collection of ridiculous drinks to debut or blow up this year. Some of them are blatant money grabs, others are outrageous alcohol concoctions and one of them packs an entire day’s worth of calories into one container.
Now that those of you who were loco for Loko have to look elsewhere for some insane creation to pour into your head, we’re glad to present you with this list of the most absurd beverage of 2010. One of them might just be able to take Four Loko’s place.
1. Adult Chocolate Milk
Bio: This idea was hatched when two old friends reunited on Facebook. As you can see from the company’s tagline, its drinks are an odd combination of childhood favorites and alcohol! Not just a little bit but a lot of alcohol–40 proof, to be precise.
Best served: During a midlife crisis.
Superlative: Most likely to get accidentally served to children.
Bio: The world’s first and only “protein infused vodka” is endorsed by “Jersey Shore’s” own, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. Devotion actually seems to be legit, but we can’t help but chuckle at 1) how Sitch looks like he’s photobombing the ad and 2) the tagline, “Create your own situation.”
Best served: In the hot tub, preferably without grenades.
Superlative: Best abs for a protein infused vodka.
Bio: This is the official drink of “True Blood” and is supposed to reference a drink prominently featured in the show–blood! The bottled version is a “uniquely carbonated, slightly tart, lightly sweet blood orange drink.” Or in other words, watered down diet orange soda with a TruBlood label.
Best served: To horny vampire-obsessed women.
Superlative: Best exploitation of a TV show.
4. Brewdog’s “The End of History”
Bio: This was a pretty obvious publicity stunt by Brewdog–and it worked–but dammit, we don’t care because the beer in a stuffed squirrel with a top hat is so fantastically ridiculous it deserves a salute. The company only made 12 of these creations and they’ve sold out.
Best served: At a PETA protest.
5. Cold Stone Creamery’s PB&C
Bio: Short for peanut butter and chocolate, PB&C is an abject health disaster in general and particularly when consumed in the “Gotta Have It” size, which packs 2,010 calories into one cup. Just look at Aziz Anzari, who ripped Cold Stone’s monstrous helpings following a traumatic experience. As you can see, he’s still suffering the effects.
Best served: Just before a heart attack.
Superlative: The most unhealthy beverage in America.
6. Dash bottled water
Bio: “Dash” is the Kardashian sisters’ brand, which sells everything from candles to tote bags to yes, bottled water, with the sisters’ picture on it.
Best served: At room temperature.
Superlative: Most likely to make you curse when you see the price ($10/bottle).
7. Four loko
Bio: You know by now. The company stripped caffeine from the product in anticipation of an FDA ban, which followed bans in several states, which followed reports of teens all over the nation blacking out and dying after partying with the drink, which followed those teens saying, “Hey check it out, we can we get bombed for $2.75,” which followed one Four Loko executive’s remark, “If we make a cheap caffeine-infused alcoholic drink and market it to broke twentysomethings, it’ll sell like mad!”
Best served: During a Nic Cage film.
Superlative: Most banned.
8. Dream Water
Bio: The unofficial drink of “Inception,” Dream Water is a sleep aid in shot form. In a beverage market filled with energy drinks, protein vodka and liquid versions of an Outback blooming onion, apparently there’s room for a zero calorie sleep and relaxation shot.
Best served: To the creepy uncle at the beginning of a Christmas party.
Superlative: Best substitute for laundry detergent.