You know we’re all about love, right? Like Wu Tang, we’re for the children. But it’s a crazy world out there, one that’s all-too-ready to challenge your lover-not-fighter status at a moment’s notice. One second you’re hosting the “Tonight Show” and the next you’re fighting for your life with a big-chinned car enthusiast. Crazy! This year has seen more than its fair share of beef, sometimes from the corners you least expect and, sometimes, from Kanye. Watch as we run down the fattest slices, complete with winners, after the jump.
10. Bristol Palin vs. Kathy Griffin
Don’t make us do it Kathy. Don’t make us take Bristol’s side here. The super-skinny stand-up comedian drew boos recently for calling Sarah Palin’s daughter “fat” (which is to say: totally normal) and “the white Precious.” Oh no she did not! Bristol struck back via Fox News, saying “I hope people didn’t have to pay money to hear her negativity and criticisms.” Zing!
9. Kanye West vs. Matt Lauer
We love who Kanye chooses to pick fights with. Frst Taylor Swift then Matt Lauer. How random can you get? Who’s next, Food Network star Paula Deen? Anyway, ‘Ye went on the “Today Show” to be interviewed by Matt Lauer earlier this month. Lauer asked a question about the rapper’s whole “George Bush doesn’t care about Black people” line from a few years back and, while Kanye answered, footage from the original incident rolled in the background. This pissed off the College Dropout. He took to Tweeting about it, which of course drummed up even more interest for the interview itself. When it finally aired, it turned out to be pretty tame on both sides. On the one hand, you could see why Kanye was annoyed. On the other hand, come on Kanye.
Winner: Matt Lauer
8. Solange Knowles vs. Katy Perry
Solange Knowles (Beyonce’s little sis) ruffled some feathers last October when she called out Katy Perry on Twitter. It was pretty bananas; best if we just repost it in its entirety:
“But seriously. Iontlike the fact dat Julez thinks he gotta sneak & watched California gurls on u tube. Katy Perry is polluting the chirrens,” she wrote, before adding: “It is like kiddie porn tho. All them damn colors, candy and shit… and then daisy dukes, breast shooting cream… And then Elmo and Tits!?”
Elmo and tits indeed. While people debated whether Katy’s performance on Sesame Street could possibly meet the definition of kiddie porn, Katy totally iced Solange by not responding at all.
Winner: Katy Perry
7. Kevin Garnett vs. Charlie Villanueva
We love us some basketball player feuds! After a Celtic-Pistons game in November, Charlie Villanueva tweeted that KG called him a cancer patient. Twitter blew up — apparently people had a problem with the insult since Villanueva suffers from alopecia — causing Garnett to issue a statement clarifying what he meant: “My comment to Charlie Villanueva was in fact ‘You are cancerous to your team and our league.’” Oh, okay then.
Winner: Kevin Garnett
6. Lindsay Lohan vs. E-Trade
God, we wish this was a parody. Category IV trainwreck LiLo took issue with an E-Trade Baby ad in which one Huggie-clad actor asked the other, “Are you sure that milkoholic Lindsay wasn’t over?” Lindsay, certain that the milkohol jab was directed at her, sued. The whole thing went to court, where it was finally settled. Reportedly, Lindsay got some money out of it — certainly much less than the $100 million she asked for — and E-Trade got months of hilarious free advertising.
5. MIA vs. The New York Times
Sri Lanka’s most famous emcee was not a happy camper when Lynn Hirschberg’s profile of her came out in the New York Times Magazine. The story, among other things, described the rapper making uninformed political statements while eating French fries drizzled in truffle oil and contrasted her agit-prop persona with her Brentwood lifestyle. Maya shot back by tweeting the reporter’s phone number and encouraging people to call it. Oh snap!
Winner: The New York Times
4. Hammer vs. Jay-Z
No offense to MC Hammer (we’re sorry…”Hammer”) (we’re sorry…”King Hammer”), but if he’s gonna write a dis track about every single person that’s made fun of him in the last decade, then he’s got a lot of work to do. The Jiggaman was the first to feel the wrath of the man who once recorded the “Addam’s Family Groove.” Hammer’s attack was in response to an offhand Jay-Z line from Kanye’s song “So Appalled” (“I lost 30 mil so I spent another 30 / because unlike Hammer 30 mil can’t hurt me”). We can only imagine what Hammer will do when he sees all of those Simpsons jokes about him from 1994. Anyway, here’s MC King Hammer’s track:
3. Nicki Minaj vs. Lil Kim
It’s a classic example of the young prodigy vs. the seasoned veteran who’s desperately trying to stay in the game. Kind of like the plot of “The Natural,” right? Nicki’s debut this year was huge — could you ask for more from your first few singles? — and Lil Kim was not psyched about that. After the former-Biggie protégé ran her mouth in an interview, Minaj struck back with a few lines in her cut “Roman’s Revenge.” This caused Lil Kim to kick it up to the next level, with a full on dis track called “Black Friday,” in which she lashed out at Drake, Lil Wayne, Diddy, and Foxy Brown. Yikes! You know Kim, you’re 35 years old. Maybe it’s time to grow up.
Winner: Nicki Minaj
2. Conan O’Brien vs. Jay Leno
It’s a story as old as time: boy gets “Tonight Show”; other boy who used to be on “Tonight Show” wants it back; boy gets offered midnight time slot; boy loses “Tonight Show.” But for two months last winter, the CoCo vs. Leno drama was all we could talk about. Between the Twitter flame wars, the “I’m With Coco” viral campaign, and the behind the scenes network maneuvering, there was a lot of beef to go around. Ultimately, Leno got the “Tonight Show” back, but Conan got an excited fan base and his own show on TBS. That has to be worth something, right?
1. Cleveland vs. LeBron James
Perhaps, if you’ve been working for the Peace Corps on Jupiter for the past six months, you are unaware of LeBron’s little tiff with Cleveland. You see, when you totally blow a playoff series, keep your home team wondering whether you’ll come back, and then announce that you won’t in an hour-long TV special, people tend to get a bit annoyed. Sports call-in shows were inundated, billboards depicting the city’s former hero were defaced, and Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert wrote a strongly-worded open letter to the team’s fans calling LeBron “narcissistic” and “cowardly.” LeBron, for his part, released a Nike commercial more or less attempting to defend himself. It didn’t work.
Winner: Depends on where you live…