By now, you’re figuring out that your roommate isn’t quite what you expected. Turns out that when he told you he was a Wizards fan, he wasn’t talking about basketball. And that when he was looking to reinvent himself at school, that meant not bathing.
But you’re not one for confrontation. You’ve got better things to do — like indulging in some overly elaborate passive-aggression. And you’re crafty. Or, at the very least, you’ve got an hour to kill since you skipped econ.
Luckily, you’re in college, where pranks run from the simple to the astoundingly complex — take the CollegeHumor guys’ war or the time an MIT student walked to the 50-yard line at Harvard Stadium every day in the offseason, blew a whistle and scattered birdseed, so when the ref blew the opening whistle in the Crimson’s first game, birds swarmed the field.
It’s time for you to join their ranks. To get you started, we’ve prepared a list. Consider it a 100-level class. But it’s your obligation as a student to surpass the masters.
9. The “Amelie”
Yes, even semi-living beings who sleep until 3 p.m. and read Craig Ferguson fan fiction are creatures of habit. So take your inspiration from “Amelie” and drive your roommate by tweaking little pieces of his life, but only by a tiny bit.
Switch his shorts and t-shirt drawers. Re-arrange a few of the keys on his keyboard. Before he leaves, switch out the books in his bag for new ones. He’ll be calling home in no time — which will be perfect, because you’ve changed his speed dials.
8. The Vanishing Bunk
It’s bad enough to have the top bunk. Add injury to insult with a few slight structural alterations.
7. Occam’s Razor
Occam’s Razor is a theory that proposes that for any given situation, the simplest answer is probably the correct one. Here, a few roommates get ambitious, putting together a complex system that’s all build-up and no payoff. But when they decide to go with the simplest route, magic happens.
6. Neither Rain, Nor Snow, Nor Dead Of Night
You’ve got the rest of your life to go to sleep before midnight. You’ve got tonight to watch QVC until 3 a.m. But tonight you’ve also got a mission. Indulge your curiosity and apply for some samples of Male Enhancement pills. Except, because you’re a good friend, do it in your roommate’s name. And have it mailed to an address that belongs to a female. Courtesy of these guys.
5. The Ties The Bind
This is simple, effective and economical. Plus, if you tie the rope tight enough, you can invite the whole dorm to watch it all unfold.
This one takes a little more planning. Find a Halloween mask, a trash can, some A/V equipment and one of those guys who wants to be a weatherman. Once you’ve got all your supplies, hide in the trash can and have the reporter start asking the roommate a few questions. Let him get his guard down. Then pounce.
Just remember to duck.
3. Slippery When Buttered
Never again in your life will you have so much food at your disposal. In adult life, there’s no real equivalent of dining halls — places where you can eat as much as you want without any fear that you’ve been poisoned by the chefs at Old Country Buffet. So go ahead, put that butter to good use.
2. The Clear, Flat Line
Seriously. Dining halls. Enjoy them. An not just the food. The Saran Wrap too.
As far as the roommate legal system goes, passing out drunk is a capital offense. This is where you can get your most creative. A passed out roommate is like a cruise ship in international waters — anything goes. So take a hint from these guys and go for everything. Just make sure your roomie can swim.