“Easy A” opens tomorrow with a new take on one of Hollywood’s favorite topics: a young man’s quest to lose his virginity. The high school guys in “Easy A” are so eager to show their classmates they’ve been laid, they have Olive (Emma Stone) fake it for them. (Why not just go for broke and make a fake sex tape too?)
Although it’s a new angle, the guys in “Easy A” certainly aren’t the first movie mopes desperate to lose their virginity. Here are six more pitiful movie virgins and the important lessons they taught us.
1. “Grandma’s Boy” — Jeff
The virgin: Jeff, played by Nick Swardson, is awesome. He’s also pretty pathetic. Jeff is technically an “adult” who lives in a house with a couple “roommates” (his parents). He sleeps in onesie pajamas in a car-bed filled with stuffed animals. He says things like, “I love my turtle.” After a long battle with virginity, Jeff eventually gets busy with Grace, nicknamed “Silver Fox,” because, well, she’s old.
Money quote: [To Grace] “So, I mean, what’s it like being old? It’s gotta be weird, right?”
Lesson we learned: Don’t let high standards get in the way of accomplishing a goal.
2. “American Pie” — Kevin
The virgin: Like Doug from “The Hangover,” Kevin is the unfunny main character central to his film’s plot. He’s isn’t really a classic dweeb, but Kevin and Vicky (Tara Reid) are so obsessed with making their first time “perfect” that it becomes more annoying than the people who spent all of 1999 saying, “One time, at band camp…” (By the way — what the heck happened to the “American Pie” ‘franchise’? Eugene Levy must be the father of about 37 different straight-to-DVD sons now.)
Money quote: “Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny.”
Lesson we learned: Perfection is overrated.
3. “Sixteen Candles” — Farmer Ted
The virgin: Anthony Michael Hall was the ultimate ’80s dork. He secured that crown with roles as the nerd in “The Breakfast Club” and “Weird Science.” But Hall truly mastered geekery in “Sixteen Candles.” So desperate to show others that he got laid, Farmer Ted, as he was known, borrowed a girl’s panties for proof. In the end it worked out for him. He bedded (or should that be seated?) the jock’s girlfriend in a Rolls Royce.
Money quote: “You know how many times I’ve gone without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Any halfway decent girl can rob me–blind! Because I’m too torqued up to say no.”
Lesson we learned: Head gear can be attractive if worn with confidence.
4. “Can’t Hardly Wait” — Kenny
The virgin: Kenny (Seth Green) defined WTF before anyone even used that abbreviation. Just look at the guy. He’s some sort of suburban, goggle-wearing, wannabe rapper. Determined to lose his virginity at a big graduation party, Kenny strikes gold when he gets trapped in a bathroom with his friend Denise.
Money quote: “Yo, I gotta have sex tonight!”
Lesson we learned: Contrary to widely held beliefs, chicks don’t dig a guy with goggles on his head.
5. “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” — Andy
The virgin: Likable and harmless, Andy Stitzer (Steve Carrell) is a boring, woeful dude. After a traumatic sexual experience when he was younger, Andy planned to lock his penis in a glass case for the remainder of his life until his co-workers urged him to shave his chest, watch a ton of porn and bang some “hood rats.” He didn’t exactly follow their advice, but he did eventually unlock the glass case and find love. He got laid too, although it only lasted a few seconds.
Money quote: “I dated this girl for a while. She was really a…nasty freak. She just loved to get down with sex all the time. It was like…anytime of day, she was like, ‘Yeah, let’s go! I’m so nasty!’ And I’d be nailing her and she’d be like, ‘Oh, you’re nailing me! Cool!'”
Lesson we learned: Shaving one’s chest is far less painful than waxing it.
6. “Superbad” — Seth
The virgin: Jonah Hill’s character in “Superbad,” Seth, is a typical sex-obsessed teenager who just wants to get laid before college. During his quest to sleep with his crush, Jules (Emma Stone), he nearly gets his ass kicked and ends up vomiting on her. Not a way to win a woman’s heart. Although Seth might not have slept with Jules, he sure as hell imagined it. And if he had waited a couple years for “Easy A,” he could have had Emma Stone fake it for him.
Money quote: “By the time college rolls around, I’ll be like the Iron Chef of pounding vaj.”
Lesson we learned: No matter how much a girl likes you, barfing on her will completely kill the mood.